During a difficult episode

So, life can be mean and difficult at times — it’s both great and bothersome at the same time. Other times less and others more so. General knowledge, really.

The experiences differ every single episode, though; lessons inherent in these depression-inducing and confidence-shattering times, vary considerably.

During one such episode, my zest and the fire burning in me to take over the world burnt out. Ashes remained. I felt wiped out from the face of the earth, and insignificant, too.

I toyed around with the idea of giving up the so-called dreams I had harboured to be great. These, my friends knew because I dreamt big and always sought to inspire people around me. That weighed me down, became a burden that pushed me towards the edge of shame.

In the way of fear, I have a fear for snakes, heights, losing loved ones, amongst others. Everybody has some fears that trouble them some how, some way. But, the biggest fear I have and makes me lose sleep is the fear of failure. No, not of missteps! Those are inevitable. I just never wish to become a failure to launch. I see many on a daily basis, and live with some. Young people who were so talented academically; in acting, dancing, sport, holding conversation and storytelling; conjuring up mind-blowing ideas and so forth. Adding onto those numbers is my biggest dread.

Amidst this daunting episode, I came face-to-face with the reality of being a statistic who’d be looked at with pity, and memories recited of how promising a Writer and Speaker I was. How smart, how once inquisitive and passionate about reading books I was.

And, ‘Jay, remember how eloquent a speaker you were, dude?‘, I’d get quizzed. I faced that possibility and it too, weighed me down heavily.

During this arduous episode, I filled myself with food. Lots of it! I suppose I was naively trying to fill the void I had in my soul. The more I ate, the more I sought. And so it went on for a couple of months. I gobbled down! I could have had more but at some point, there was nothing to devour no more. Empty and staring me blank in the face each time I opened it. During that time, the refrigerator only stored cold tap water I’d put in it.

This time I buried myself in books, found mates to hang out with, who raised my spirits up without even knowing it. My biggest weakness is failing to confide my troubles to other people. I’ll often just keep smiling, cracking jokes and having awe-inspiring conversations. And because nothing lasts forever, I’d leave those chats and go home. In those lone moments, the misery would gnaw at me and swallow me whole. And so on it went for a couple of months.

During that episode, I wet my pillow for the first time at night, crying over helplessness, frustration, lack of direction — failure.

All the while thinking about my brilliance nestling at the bottom of the rubbish bin.

During that mean episode I further discovered who I am, and thus were able to reconfigure my mindset. For even a tiny paradigm shift brings great results.