On self-doubt, feeling stuck and confidence

‘Surely no one is as broke and content as I am right now.’

I sat there thinking, in the middle of reading Markus Zusak’s novel, The Book Thief, one Sunday evening, April fifth, twenty-twenty.

And as the title of this piece might tell you, my thoughts and reflections came from a psychological standpoint. Of going through a struggle that has brought up a mixed-bag of emotions the last few months. Confidence, patience, impatience and self-doubt, anxiety and feeling stuck on some days and confidence again.

I went through a fight. Going through a ferocious fight.

Being human, right?

In the middle of the reading and thinking I was doing, the phone beeped. An ongoing conversation on WhatsApp.

“Other than that, how is Jay?” She asked.

‘Jay is healthy and complicated at the moment. Split in many ways. I live inside my head a lot recently … because of a few potential writing gigs I’ve lost. My head’s spinning outta control.’

“Complicated how? I am intrigued.” She asked.

‘In a sense that I am going through a lot of emotions all at once. I am content, unsure about myself and my talent on some days, patient about the things I wanna achieve and there are times where I feel completely stuck. Makes sense much?’

“That’s exactly where I am at. I know my abilities yet I find myself questioning them and at worst doubting myself.” And then she continued, “It’s like I am caught up in what is expected at the price of what I should be or something. It’s confusing really. Unsettling at the most.”

At this point, I had an epiphany and texted, ‘And as peoples, we go through such feelings often … most people never verbalise these humbling truths cos they challenge our egos. Talking openly about our human journey and the emotions in it is liberating.’

And I’ll have you know that whenever I talk to her, since from late 2017 when we met, I almost always feel my mind shifting gears. Our conversations often help me think and feel better. And in all honesty, I needed this particular chat to restore my perspective.

I’ve always been a staunch fan of the power of expressing emotions. Writing has done that reliably for me. For many years. And of late, from early 2019 onwards, talking things out has been a blessing, mostly because it allows me to spit out the pain.

That’s why I’m fascinated by the practice of therapy. It will always be around. People will always need insight into their psyche, emotions and all that’s human.

I found it refreshing that a moment of reflection while reading a book turned into a useful chat about self-doubt, feeling stuck and self-esteem.